Didn鈥檛 realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 馃檨
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I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Dating profile at 26: I鈥檓 cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let鈥檚 get married.
46:
I like what I like. I鈥檓 not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
6yo: You鈥檙e grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I was bored.