My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.