Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Never ghost your hitman.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.