a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo