What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Living the best life.. 😊
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Choose your fighter
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.