If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Webb. James Webb.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.