College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again