If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
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(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.