I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Duck typos.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.