I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
584.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.