*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Tell the colonel to bring it
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.