No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I missed you with all my darts
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?