Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.