Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang