Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!