ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Smells like a challenge to me
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.