When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!