[on my way back to the posting caves]
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
multitasking lunch
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace