Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The opposite of Iceland is water water
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I had to Stop for this
Shower sex be like:
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.