Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)