“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You Might Also Like
A new level of troll.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
bugs when you lift up a rock
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Dammit Chief not again
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why