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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.