My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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i baked you a cake
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me