how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
You Might Also Like
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.