*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
This week’s mood.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage