So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
U talkin 2 me?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Well well well…
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Worth the read.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!