I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
#Caturday
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.