My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.