For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase