Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
You Might Also Like
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan