me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
incredible book dedication
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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