Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
lmfao
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.