When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)