No regrets in 2018
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
What?!?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town