Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.