Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Okey dokey.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I am crying
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.