Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*