This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
You Might Also Like
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Cndnsd Mlk
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.