The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
A short story about romance.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.