What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Simple enough.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single