reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My what?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too