employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago