prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
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Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Ugh but profoundly
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.