the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)