Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
He took my last fry, your honor
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Just grow your own
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt