*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs