Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Lassie, get help!
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson