I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Me too, bag. Me too….
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.