You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.