Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
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I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Finally! 😈
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.